Depression; different stages
I’ve been thinking about the hole being-depressed-thing. Since it all started for me in the 6th-7th grade without me really understanding it, I can see that the feeling of it changes a bit during the years. Because when I look at old pictures or old text from that time, or see other people write or post pics with text I get nostalgic, I get that feeling and understanding of what it was like. It’s a special feeling of sadness and the desire of getting attention from you friends or people around you, it’s kind of the first stage of it. When you don’t know what to do, you don’t know what to say to make it easier, to make it disappear. For me something probably happened that made me choose self harm to make it more numb and a small way of getting some kind of attention (thinking about the choosing of where I self harmed). First you might not get the attention the way you wanted, from whom you wanted it, and it makes it a bit harder. But at least, for me, it eventually change, getting friend that you could talk to in a different way, people that understood you and what was going on. But it didn’t make it all better and you will not stop self harm. It somehow makes it deeper, you got what you wanted, people to talk to, people that understood but you’re still not happy, and the depression holds on and even if you don’t want to it worsens other abilities to complicate things even more. Of course I can only talk about my own experience and it’s not the same for all I guess. So you still want to get better, happier, but it’s been years and your don’t quite know how or what it’s like. You’ll use self harm for anything, trying to ease all the things you think you can’t control because you haven’t been taught how to handle the feelings or thoughts when they appear, all at the same time that you don’t want people to know that it’s not all good. So you hope that you’ll get free from it all when you’ve finished school, you can move anywhere and get a job, start all over. But no, it’s not that easy, the depression won’t stop just because you hope it does. Everything will stop feeling meaningful and those small abilities that you simply can’t do makes you have even worse panic attacks than before. And for me that was the point when I understood that I needed help from someone professional. It was not so easy that you’ve hoped, and the help you get might give you panic attacks, but it’s a small step to recovery, a small step to be able to act normal in a everyday situation. I know that I ended my sessions too soon, so even though I was a lot happier and saw life in a different way it wasn’t long until I was there again. Relapse really hard, first you just push the warnings away, because “you’re fine, you have talked to a professional and you are happy now”. But for me, to many adversity made a bubble within me so I was totally numb, I lived in that bubble for like six months before it started to crack. During those months a bubble within the bubble had appeared so making yourself believe everything is fine and life is as it should be, but the other exterior bubble was destructive and almost like dark matter. So when the first bubble started to crack the dark destructive blackness started to pour in and I didn’t feel a thing, stopped eating, didn’t feel pain (so self harm was “not a problem”), cried and slept a lot, I only ate small things because I knew that I had too but crackers and bread ain’t that much. I had hit bottom. A friend helped me understand that it wasn’t right so yet again I got help to recover, weighed approximately 57kg when I got home to my parents, it felt like a complicated and hard way back but I have so much more understanding to my own depression in every way. So that period in 7-9th grade was nothing so if you don’t get help in time I guess it’s not getting easier either! And the second time (actually third time, but second for depression) did not take that long before I was up and going and a lot happier for real. Six months of recovery and counseling I got a job and that job have made me grow even more! I know this text started in one way and ended with my own experience but I felt like I needed to write about this, again.